Money Skivers' Arms

At the age of 65 my Grandma started walking 10 kilometres a day.
She’s 92 now and we have no idea where she is.

Ruto, a politician, visited a village and and asked what their needs were.
”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”
On hearing this, Ruto whipped out his cell phone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly sir, there is no Network coverage anywhere in this village.”

QUESTION: How do you tell the difference between an English police officer, a Canadian police officer, an American police officer and a Scottish police officer?

The situation is that a man armed with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with the officer, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at him. He officer only has a split second to react before the knife-wielding man reaches him. What does each officer do?

ANSWER:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
Then...
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he new to the country, does he not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8 )Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG!


American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!

One day a housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

Proudly he yelled back, “Chicago Bears!”

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.
I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said “yes”.

Clichés - they're ten a penny.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, ‟Can you all see me now?”

They reply:

‟Yes.”

‟Oui.”

‟Sí.”

‟Ja.”

Dylan comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
“Brilliant!“ says his mam. “What part is it?”
The boy says: “I play the part of the Welsh husband.”
His mum scowls and says: “Go back and tell them you want a speaking part.”